AS LONG AS I’VE GOT YOU BY MY SIDE I’M NOT AFRAID OF ANY AMOEBA
BECAUSE THE POWER OF LOVE IS TOTALLY STRONGER THAN THAT ISH

Shawn Berman

early in the morning

before i’m even out of bed

mom calls to tell me

about a recent post that she saw on facebook

that there’s a new and terrifying amoeba floating around

that can supposedly turn your brain into complete and utter mush within days

of coming into contact with it.

and i know i should be afraid

or weary or scared or whatever

but

the thought of being able

to ladle my cerebrum juices

into a giant bowl of ramen

topped off with some steaming hot scallions

and copious amounts of mushrooms

gives me butterflies like no other,

the kinda butterflies i get when you

send me unprovoked flirty mid-morning texts like

adam sandler probably should’ve won an oscar for his performance in grown ups 2

or

the spicy potato soft taco is infinitely better than the crunchwrap supreme but people are too afraid to admit it because they don’t wanna deal with the blowback from crazy taco bell fanboys since groupthink blinds people from forming their own opinions

which leads them to believing

that it’s totally acceptable to facetime someone outta the blue

like they’re some deranged lunatic

who has no social boundaries

or regard

for you having to pause your current netflix binge sesh of the office

this is why

in my unbiased opinion

we should probably

skip second base altogether

and a make joint animal crossing island

or like get married

at city hall

so we can spend the rest of our lives watching cute kitten videos on tik tok

while sipping on some of the best double ipas brooklyn has to offer.

idk

i’m just spit-balling here

but it

sounds pretty perfect to me,

i think!